Confession is Good for the Soul

I’m not Catholic, but even I know admitting your wrongdoings is a good step in not repeating them and moving on. So, here goes:

Yesterday, my grandmother went to the hospital (she had passed out). I was worried & upset, so I was feeling a bit “Fragile.” Then, my sister calls just to chat (cause she just started a new job). We discussed the “grandma situation” (i.e. the fact that she cut me & my family & mom out of her life) (the other grandmother) and wound up having the most honest discussion we’ve ever had about why I don’t speak to my dad. It was a good discussion, but it brought a lot of stuff I don’t normally spend a lot of time thinking about to the surface.

So, I was all teary and upset when I left the office (she called right before I left for the day). I tried calling my mom but she didn’t have time to talk because she was visiting a friend. I called my husband, but he was busy working. Well, I lost it. He never has time to talk to me when he’s not here. I know they are working from early in the morning until dark, but he can’t even seem to take 10 minutes to talk to me in the morning! I got mad and told him that.

Went home, fixed dinner, took the boy to tae kwon do, and worked out while he did his thing. Went home & started doing housework. He’s watching a movie and I’m beaten down and he says “Don’t forget to dust.” I totally take it the wrong way and start yelling at him. I felt so bad, I went to my room & cried. He cried & felt bad for being rude. I still feel like crap even though we talked about it & I apologized last night & again this morning. Just nominate me for mom of the year. Geez.

Woke up at 4:30 having a nightmare about an argument with my husband where he accuses me of cheating. No way I was going back to sleep, so I got up and went running. I ran two miles, crying the whole time. I felt all the anger that that little girl felt when her dad treated her crappy (me). After I ran, I sat & looked at the stars and realized I had to find a way to let go of my anger. All I could think of was to visualize myself encircling that little girl inside my family and putting her in the middle of what we call a “family hug.” I stopped crying, and felt at peace – at least for a time.

I talked to my husband this morning – he’d woken up at 4 unable to sleep. He didn’t realize he kept blowing me off. Anyway, he is coming home tonight (although he goes back for the day tomorrow), so everything is okay on that front.

My sister wants me to reach out & try to reconcile with my dad. I am scared to make myself vulnerable to him, but I told her I would try. D&*^ my kumbaya singing, peacnik, Episcopalian priest of a sister.

I Feel Good

I don’t know whether it’s the weather, the food, hormones, my fab new haircut & highlights I got last weekend – I don’t know what, but I feel good! Sometimes a little too good, like, “Hello! Could I be manic?” But mostly just cool with things and excited about stuff. So, in no particular order.

Food: Still sticking to the fat flush plan. Yesterday, I ate the same thing as Monday, except I had stir fry for dinner. It was a little plain with no soy sauce, but not too bad. The strange thing about this diet is the effect of flax oil – it really does keep me feeling “not hungry” for hours, even though I haven’t eaten a lot of food. It’s so odd to eat a small to normal sized portion of food and be satisfied.

Exercise: Had a great 2 mile run yesterday morning. The weather was cool & refreshing! I thought about getting up this morning to run again, but opted for a little extra sleep and getting a couple of things done around the house. I took a nice 30 minute walk at work this morning, and I will do a machine this evening while the boy does tae kwon do. So, not getting frantic about it, but doing a little here and there.

Hubby’s work: Still sucks. My mom came over & helped on Monday, taking my son to tae kwon do (I have a great Mom)! I asked hubby if he could come home on Thursday night this week, even though it’s not exactly the middle of the week. Monday and Thursday are my toughest days, so his agreeing to that really helped me out a bunch. Yesterday I planned a very easy dinner, so I got it on the table quick. Tonight all that’s going on is tae kwon do, so I’ll make a quick meal & then we’ll head out. I lift weights on Mondays and Thursdays, and both of us having an activity makes it hectic! And the end is in sight for this job. I’m not normally anxious for a well-paying job to end, but this is getting old.

Shopping: Okay, I don’t like to shop. But I do like to show up for my job looking sort of like I’m a professional person. Last weekend since I had been feeling down I made an appointment for an impromptu haircut. I also asked her to do highlights (new for me). I adore the cut she gave me – it looks like the blond chic on “Andromeda” if you’ve ever seen that. Parted in the middle, kinda sweeping down on one side, and sort “spiky” in the back, but a longer version of that short look. It is maybe 1-2 inches above my shoulders. I have some money to spend on clothes for myself (a rarity) as well as the family. Hubby took his money and he can use it how he sees fit. I bought the boy a bunch of new clothes, and I wanted some new clothes as well. On the way to picking the boy up yesterday, I stopped by Kohl’s. I got 3 pairs of shoes (I am not a shoeholic – I really needed some decent looking, “a little dressy but not too much” shoes for work.) Two pair are sorta like loafers, but with a little heel & a little dressier. One black, one brown. I also got an even dressier pair of black mules. They can easily be worn with slacks also, but they could also go with a skirt. So, I’ve started my quest for some decent work clothes!

Anyway, that’s about it. I hope this weather holds through the weekend because I really want to do a nice long run and a good bike ride!

Food for Pleasure

Eating a fairly regimented food plan is interesting. For example, it is very difficult to use food for pleasure on this plan. I mean, I enjoy the food I’m eating (okay, that protein last night was gross, but besides that) but if you stick with it a lot of your “comfort foods” or “guilty pleasures” are gone. No chips or candy or chocolate. No soda. No “treats”. It’s made me realize that I use food for pleasure all the time. I’m not just talking about binges or obvious stuff like going out for Mexican. I’m talking about every few hours – things like string cheese. Yeah, it’s not a horrible choice, but I didn’t realize how much I looked forward to snack not because I was hungry but because I was craving the taste of the cheese.

The weird thing about this cleanse is that I am full (the flax see oil really helps keep your satiety up for hours), yet I haven’t eaten any “pleasure food”. I’m sitting here right now not hungry, yet feeling like it surely must be time for a treat of something. I can tell this is a huge habit for me. Even my chocolate yogurt in the afternoon. Yes it’s healthy, and yes it’s perfectly normal to select food that you like – but I realize that I’ve been using food to get pleasure from life to a pretty large degree. Losing those options has forced me to look at what I enjoy, if that makes any sense at all. Anyway, just a random afternoon observation.

Day One of the Fat Flush

Well, one day down on the “Fat Flush” diet. I did get a headache yesterday afternoon, which is apparently fairly common in the first 3 days until your body gets used to life without caffeine, sugar, etc. Other than that I felt pretty good. I never got really hungry, which was good.

For the curious, here’s what I ate:

B: smoothie, made with 1 c mixed berries, 1 c diluted cranberry juice water, 1 T flax seed oil, and 1 scoop protein powder.
S: deviled egg (made with flax oil and AP vinegar and spices), and veggie sticks.
L: ground turkey & veggie soup, side salad with flax & lime juice dressing.
S: deviled egg and half a grapefruit.
D: salmon patties, sautéed squash, and a side salad.
S: (after weight lifting) scoop of protein in water.

Exercise: 30 min walk (up and down mild hills), weight training (chest and triceps). The workout was very good – we really worked hard!

I thought I might need the protein after a tough workout, so I had protein in water. I have to say its really nasty that way!

So, I think I did well. The food seems a little boring – but I think its just psychological because I know I’ll be eating this way for 2 – 3 weeks.

MWI (Mowing While Intoxicated)

Crazy busy weekend. Sat down yesterday afternoon, only half done with my cooking & cleaning. But I was beat & needed a break. So I sat down & had a couple of beers. I then realized that it was getting late, hubby was still at work, and the grass really needed mowing. So I went to mow. After I did the side yard, the neighbor called me over & offered me a beer. They then offered me a second one (which I declined on the grounds I had to finish mowing). So I finished mowing, then they called me over for another beer. Oh my gosh – I was snockered! But the yard did get mowed.

I got up early this morning and finished my food prep for the week. I never finished cleaning the house though – I will do that this evening. My mom is going to take my son to tae kwon do, so I’ll actually have time to finish the house!

The Detoxing has Begun

I mentioned I was thinking about trying “The Fat Flush” diet. I ordered the book (used) and it came in the mail Friday. Woo hoo! I browsed it enough to figure out what I was doing, and after taking the boy shopping for school clothes and getting my hair done, I went to all the different stores necessary to collect the food & supplmements I needed. I prepped my veggies & stuff yesterday, and began the cleanse today. We’ll see how it goes.

Performance Anxiety

I confess I am concerned about this weekend. I mean, let's face the cold harsh reality of it: my eating has been terrible over the past few weekends. And each failure (to put a not so pc word on it) just increases my anxiety. What if I can't control my eating? What if I keep gaining weight? Will I blow up like the little girl in "Willy Wonka"? And why was a supposed kid's movie so disturbing anyway?

I dunno about running - my son's school closed after a tornado touched down in our county a little while ago. It's supposed to be thunderstorms all weekend. I may wind up in a spinning class or something instead.

That's another thing. My week is so busy that my girlfriend suggested I do more of my workouts during the weekend. You mean the one where I work cleaning house, running errands, & shopping until Sunday afternoon when I'm too tired to see & order pizza & go buy a 6-pack? Right.

I am getting my hair cut tomorrow. I need something to get me out of this funk, and hair I like (at least for a day) might help. While more expensive than beer, I hope it will be less damaging.

Something's Gotta Give

First off, let me say that I am fully aware I should probably change my legal name to "Wendy Whiner". I mean, I'm getting tired to listening to my whiny self.

So, no workout yesterday. My son had a swollen lymph node which was tender, so I left work early to take him to the doctor. Turns out it was infected, so we went to the drug store to get a prescription filled for him. Went home for supper while we waited (it's only a couple of miles from our house). Because of the unexpected doctor trip plus getting his prescription, I called and re-scheduled his appointment with the tutor for Sunday afternoon. I let him watch a movie for an hour while I took a bath. Then homework, then he took a bath. Then bed! I barely made it to 9 pm.

I am exhausted. Not tired - exhausted. This concerns me because I am getting 8 hours of sleep every night. So why am I so tired? I keep telling myself its just because my days are so non-stop, with no time to recharge my batteries. I just hope its not something more serious than that.

So, back to my title. I am concerned because I know I am not getting my workouts in. No weight lifting this week (I was supposed to go yesterday). No runs since last Saturday. Really, the only exercise I've done is that HIIT on the elliptical. And that's not enough, as shown on the scale today. Up half a pound. It's not so much the half a pound (although I admit that bothers me), its the fact that I am not exercising regularly. I count on my exercise not only to help with my weight loss (or at least maintenance), but also for the energy boost regular workouts provide. It feels like a vicious cycle in the wrong direction.

I can't decide whether I should just sleep in tomorrow, or get up for a long run. I guess I should check the weather. Both have their merits, I just can't decide which I need more right now.

One Baby Step at a Time

Well, yesterday was a better day. I ate well and managed to get in a good workout. I got tonight’s dinner cooked, a breakfast casserole made for the couple of days, and the dish washer loaded. The house isn’t perfect, and I didn’t get up and run this morning (so, I have to figure out something to do to work out later today), but my hair is clean. Hee hee hee.

Yesterday’s special at the cafeteria was a sale on the salad bar! I got a HUGE vegetable salad with a light soy ginger dressing. Yum! Okay, it did have 6 croutons and what looked to be about 1 and a half tablespoons of seafood salad, which I ate on rye krisps.

Yesterday’s food:
B: bowl of optimum cereal with soy milk and a slice of lean ham
S: sliced tomato and half a grapefruit
L1: Huge veggie salad
L2: Morningstar veggie burger on light whole wheat bun with a slice of 2% cheese, asparagus, and half a grapefruit.
S: Stonyfield yogurt
D1: baked fish fillet, steamed green beans, and a few sweet potato fries
(went to workout, so I didn’t eat all my dinner)
D2: other fish fillet and more green beans.
S: A 22 oz Miller Lite

Okay, I did drive to the convenience store and get a beer after the boy went to bed. I was wrung out but not tired, so I had a beer & watched the end of “Queer Eye”. That did the trick.

Workout:
5 minutes warm-up, then 15 minutes of high intensity interval training, then 5 minutes cool down (on the elliptical). Then I grabbed a cool shower, sat in the hot tub, sat in the sauna, then had another quick cool shower. Awesome!

My Balls Are Falling

You know, all those balls I am trying to keep juggling? I tell you what! Yesterday was a perfect example. I leave work, go home & pick up my son. We take a quick walk around the block (1 mile) since I just couldn’t face an aerobics tape. So, we quizzed on his work for the tutor then off we go. Since she lives 20-25 minutes away, I sit there for the hour while he works with her. Them we’re off to dinner after – we went to a seafood restaurant and had a good and healthy dinner. We get home at 8:30. Then it’s work on homework until 9 – then a quick shower for him, read a chapter of Dr. Doolittle and it’s time for bed. I went to bed too – I was beat!

So, hubby needed me to put a second coat of polyurethane on some wood for a custom railing he is installing this weekend. With my evenings like the above, when is that gonna happen? So, I got up at 5 this morning to finish the wood for him. Amazingly enough, I got it done, got us out the door, and was only 15 minutes late for work. I was planning to run this morning, but that didn’t happen! My plan now is to either run on a treadmill or use the elliptical while the boy is doing tae kwon do this evening. Have I mentioned I can’t wait for hubby’s out of town job to be over?

Food yesterday was pretty good:

B: optimum cereal with soy milk
S: banana
L: Morningstar farm veggie burger on a lite whole wheat bun with a slice of 2% American cheese, side salad, asparagus, and half a grapefruit
S: piece of b-day cake at office party (It was honey bun cake – that should be illegal!)
D: green beans, half a baked potato with a little margarine & sour cream, grilled flounder, a broiled devil crab, and a few fried shrimp off my son’s kids plate. (His plate was small and there weren’t many fried shrimp – so we split his shrimp and he ate one of my deviled crabs and a piece of my fish).

I feel like I am keeping my head above water, but not really making any progress on my eating or on exercise.

Just a Little Product Plug

I am an avid reader of Ron Harris's "Daily Pump" - his blog about his (and his wife's) bodybuilding. I find it inspiring - you can sign up at ronharrismuscle.com. But actually, this isn't really about Ron's blog, its about a link he had on his blog a few days ago for a guy that sells workout music. If you're workout music is getting dull, check it out - long samples and it sounds great!

http://djajax.com/FITNESS.htm

I Love Running

So, Saturday morning I re-learned that I love to run. I was having a hard time sleeping - I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. So, I got out of bed at 3:45, got dressed, and went for a run. Other than 1 car acting a little weird (my theory: drunk slept at hook-ups house then couldn't figure out how to get out of the neighborhood!) it was awesome. I ran 7 miles and would have kept running but my walkman batteries died. The air felt so good, and it felt so good to move my body.

Then I ate a bunch of crap Sunday and haven't had time to work out since. I know all of this sounds like pure cop-out. I'm just grateful I'm not gaining any weight.

Time for a Regime Change

Well, actually part of the problem around here is LACK of regime. I have been wallowing. Yes, my husband working out of town has seriously limited both my energy and my workout time. My stress level is high, and I am using food cause I don't have a Prozac prescription.

I know, acceptance blah blah blah. The fact is I am very frustrated and just a little bit disgusted with myself right now. I am thinking of signing up for WW online and trying out their Core program.

In the meantime, I may try 2 weeks of the "The Fat Flush" program. I'm not typically one to try a short term "diet", but this I may actually try. I like the idea of committing to something for 2 weeks, and then having a moderate plan (like WW) to follow after. I ordered the book (used) off of Amazon and have checked out some info regarding the program on ivillage. I'll keep you posted.

Moo.

That expresses how I feel right now. The following story perfectly illustrates my frustration.

Yesterday, I left work and headed for the gym. Sonja and I were both tired, but neither considered giving up. We did back, biceps, and shoulders (okay, we did cut shoulders a bit short). After the gym, I had to stop by the grocery to pick up a small can of tomato sauce to put in the casserole for dinner. While I was there, I also purchased a 6 pack of Miller Lite and a box of frozen stuffed jalepeno poppers. When I got home, I put a couple of beers in the freezer to get nice & cold, and heated half the box of poppers. While reading a book, I ate half the box & drank a beer. I then heated the other half, and had it with a beer. Then I had a few taco chips with a THIRD beer! WTF!?!?!

This is exactly why I still need to lose 15 – 20 pounds.

Yesterday

That post was from yesterday - blogger was acting weird. Yesterday it rained incredibly hard here, so I did not exercise AT ALL. I guess that was a break day :-)

Food wasn't too bad, although the cafeteria is having "customer appreciation month" - yesterday's special was a free cookie. You know, the sugar cookies to which I am addicted? Yes, I had one - it was free! Sheesh. Luckily, there is only 1 other free cookie day. I figure if I know I can get one that day, I won't be tempted the other days of the month.

I am smart enough to realize all these little indulgences add up.

I Eat Weird Food

Just an observation, but I've noticed I sometimes make weird choices in food - especially if I have choices and its early in the morning. Like bbq sauce twice in a 2 hour span is too much!

Observations from yesterday:

Breakfast was a pancake "sandwich" - a large pancake heated with some peanut butter. I make my pancakes from scratch, substituting oatmeal I've pulsed in the food processor for most of the flour. This has a very hearty texture, and is my own version of an oatmeal breakfast bar "quickie breakfast" sort of thing. It's very good.

Morning snack was plain sardines with bbq sauce. I prefer to buy them with sauce, especially the hot sauce ones. I think these make a good snack and they are loaded in protein.

For lunch, I had green beans, lima beans, and turnip greens (they had the turnip greens in the cafeteria and I couldn't resist). I also had the Gardenburger brand "riblets" - these are very good, but they are really rich and a lot of food. Both the flavor and the texture are excellent.

I had grapefruit with breakfast & lunch, yum. I needed to talk to my son, so we rode to Sonic (this is the place we go to talk once every 2-3 months, we have our best conversations in the car). We split an order of mozzarella sticks - cheese has got to be the most perfect food ever invented. The diet limeade was good.

Dinner was matzo ball soup and salad. I had 2 beers after dinner, I should have skipped the second, it was enough to make me feel lethargic this morning.

That's my recap of my weird food. :-)

One Tough Run

Oh my gosh. As Bill the Cat would say, “Ack!” My 3 miles this morning was so tough. I ran at 5:15 – it was nearly 70 degrees and humid. The weird thing was it didn’t feel humid at first, but the air was heavy and very still. Part of me wanted to stop after 2, but I kept going. I totally couldn’t get into it at all – I know my form was terrible. If you put some forty-something never run before woman in spandex and told her to take a lap, well, that’s what I probably looked like. But I decided a bad run was better than the feeling of having done nothing, so there.

Food yesterday was good, although my dinner was a poor choice – but I didn’t overeat. Never go to the grocery hungry. You come home with stuff like Chef Boyardee mini ravioli for dinner – is that weird or what? That’s what happens when I eat alone and feel lazy I guess. Glad that doesn’t happen often! But the rest of the day was healthy and low in calories, so oh well.

Yesterday I mowed the front and back yards (half an acre lot) and went to the gym. While I waited for Sonja, I wrote us up a kicking workout – we did chest, tri, and low back. I warmed up with push-ups and then started benching. I stopped at 130 – I could tell I was a little tired from just having mowed. So I felt pretty good about that. Next bench press competition is in November and I want to be ready! Overall, an excellent workout – one to be proud of. I am making progress on the chin-up front too, I’m down to offsetting 60 pounds (I did 10 reps at that level).

BTW, this is my 100th post. I may not be the best writer in blogdom, but I do try to be consistent.

Out of Touch with Reality

The past few weekends, Sunday afternoon has been really rough for me - that's when I've been doing the bulk of my over-eating. This weekend was no exception but I finally figured out why: I'm depressed on Sunday afternoon. Every weekend, we run around doing all this stuff that has piled up while hubby is working out of town. And its been especially bad trying to get stuff packed back up after vacation. So, by Sunday afternoon we've worked like dogs the whole weekend and spend zero time together, and then I get depressed because I know he's leaving in the morning.

So, yesterday instead of mowing the grass & me cooking, we sat and watched movies. Yes, I still ate too much because I was sad, but we also talked about things we could DO about it. Like, taking a day off and doing something fun together. Like, doing our chores Friday night & Saturday morning next weekend, so we can ride down for a quick overnight camping trip. There's nothing like sitting around in the woods together with no distractions. He could take his jewelry making stuff (my husband is cherokee & makes really cool native jewelry), and I could take something and we could hike and little and sit a little.

Hopefully, that will make me feel better. This whole working out of town thing really sucks.

Please, sir, may I have another? (Cookie that is).

Well, 2 of those 3 vacation pounds are gone, although I am still feeling a bit “fluffy.” So that’s good.

I did the elliptical for 20 minutes yesterday (didn’t have time to run in the morning), and then lifted weights (biceps, triceps, & abs). So, a good workout. Oh, and I had a yummy dinner last night – I have a terrific recipe for a pumpkin & black bean soup that is super nutritious and really great. Yum!

But, I have been craving sugar cookies! What is up with that!?!?! This is rarely in my food repertoire. Weird. I’ve eaten 2 from the cafeteria in 2 weeks now, and would love another! So, my solution? I am going to make a small batch of home made sugar cookies (using some splenda and some sugar), and make the cookies little. Then have one a day in my lunch box next week. Maybe knowing I have one, and can have one again tomorrow, will stop me from going upstairs and getting a cookie roughly the size of New York! We’ll see how that goes.

Tomorrow is a long run. How long? I dunno. Until I get tired or bored or die I guess. God, it feels so free just to say that! Woo hoo!

Food this week has been pretty darn good. Did okay eating out Tuesday – no snacking after dinner. Will keep that up.

Exercise has been more problematic. With it being just me while hubby works out of town during the week, I’ve been tired. So getting up to run has been tough. And because its just me looking out for the boy, I can’t just cruise by the gym to hit a class or use a machine to make it up. So, my plan is to bust out my step and my tapes, and use them as needed. Son can work on homework with minimal assistance while I do a tape. Myabe I can even get up in time to do it in the morning. But at least I hope that next week I won’t miss a workout. That’s my goal: no missed days working out. Always have a back-up plan.

Yay for the weekend!

The Core - it's not just a sci-fi movie

So, I keep reading & hearing about the new WW "Core" program. I firmly believe in eating whole foods. Actually, one reason I eventually quit WW was that I found I was eating too much low point crap and skipping stuff like bananas. Maybe I'll give this Core program a try. My exercise isn't too far off the mark, but my eating needs help! The sad thing is, I know what to do. I know how to "eat like a body builder." So why do I look like a marshmallow instead?

How Stella Got her Groove Back (or most of it at least!)

Wow. What a difference a day makes. It’s amazing what a day of decent eating and exercise will do for you. I am feeling much better, much more in command of myself today.

Food: not too bad yesterday. My optimum cereal with blueberries & soy milk for breakfast. Snack was 2 lowfat string cheeses. Lunch was a Smart One enchilada suiza dinner (it was yummy!) with some cooked cabbage from the cafeteria. Afternoon snacks were an orange, and a yogurt. When I got home I had 2 more string cheeses and an O’Doul’s NA “beer”. Dinner was a vegetarian lentil soup (homemade) and cornbread. I did have 2 small pieces of corn bread, but that was my only “vice.”

Then I went to the gym and did 30 minutes on the elliptical and lifted weights for an hour. We did back, chest, and shoulders – an excellent workout. I am using 40# for db rows, and I did db flyes (flat) with 30#. Went home feeling really good.

This morning I ran 2 miles (with walk breaks – my neighborhood is hilly!). I plan to run 3 on Thursday, then starting next week I want to phase out the walk breaks – one per week.

I have a good food plan today as well. I made a terrific breakfast casserole with sautéed veggies (onion, bell pepper, garlic, mushrooms, and shredded zucchini), soy chorizo, and egg beaters (and a little 2% cheddar on top). Really good. Snack is sardines (proof I’m a freak). Lunch is leftover soup, asparagus, a tomato. Afternoon snack is an orange and half a payday bar. For dinner son & I are going out after his tutoring – we have 2 coupons and I told him he could pick. I’ll make the best choice I can. This afternoon we are going to ride our bikes in the neighborhood for a while, so I’ll get in a bit more exercise.

I’m trying to ease back into it all. We are going to do some work on a job for hubby and he is going to give us part of the money, so I will have $ for some new clothes around the first of October. I don’t want shopping to be the terrible experience it was last time, so I want to get myself mentally psyched up for it this time.

And I think I’ve got problems?

How about the men’s marathon yesterday? Sheesh – at least crazy kilt-wearing Irish guys don’t pop out of the bushes to knock me off the road while I’m running! Seriously though, who couldn’t help but feel bad for de Lima – he was fading a little anyway, but who knows how the race might have turned out? I’m glad he got a medal.

So, back to real life – mine that is. Ugh. I am really struggling (like no one has noticed that). Last year after vacation I slowly gained 10 pounds, and I am afraid it will happen again this year. If I were determined not to repeat, that would be a good thing. But I have that deer in the headlights fear that is so dis-empowering.

After a day of healthy eating Saturday, I really blew it yesterday. I just layed around watching movies, having beer & pizza with hubby. I think we just worked so hard all last week and Saturday that we just melted down. I plan to pace myself a little better this week so I won’t repeat that performance next weekend

I am going to the gym to lift weights tonight, and I will do 30 minutes on the elliptical as well. Not my cardio of choice, but its raining here, so I doubt I’ll get outside. Its tropical storm leftovers from SC.

I have absolutely nothing profound to say. I ran yesterday – only 2 miles but it felt good. I am hungry and really struggling with food. Now that the house is mostly back in order, and son has gotten back in the groove with a week of school under his belt, exercise will be easier. But the food piece continues to cause me grief, and poor choices leave me feeling sub-par, which impacts workouts. Why can’t I be one of those freaks that live to lift weights or something?

Post Vacation Reality set in

I got on the scale for the first time in … oh, 3 weeks? I gained 3 pounds on vacation. Considering I ate like a pig and drank like a fish (“Deny yourself nothing” seems to be my vacation motto), I don’t think that’s so bad.

So, I had a sugar cookie for a snack this afternoon, knowing that the party ends … now!

If I’m Making a Smart Choice, Why do I feel like a Loser???

So, this morning I told my husband I was not going to do the Baltimore marathon. I feel like a total loser. I don’t think I can get my mileage up by Oct 16th, and I do not want to injure myself trying. I can always sign up for a marathon in the spring. So why do I feel like a failure?

My house is a wreck from post vacation cleaning & re-packing. Son just started back to school yesterday. There is so much going on here, I definitely need some time to ease back into things. I know that’s being reasonable, but I still feel like I’m copping out.

The last 2 beers in the house got consumed last night by me & hubby. No more for a while. I started my supplements for my neurotransmitters and for my thyroid. I am trying to get my eating cleaned back up. I want to get the new schedule from the gym and actually take some classes. Right now I want to focus on my eating and getting in a good variety of exercise, and honestly I’ve been so focused on mileage I feel like I haven’t been really doing either of those things. I want to lose some of this weight!

Ugh.

Vacation Redux

First of all, I survived. I was not one of the people who had the novel experience of waking up with their tent and/or air mattress floating away in the white water due to the flash floods we experienced. Camping in the rain sucks. Camping in torrential downpours which occur for 3 days is something out of a disaster movie.

Everything I brought home is damp. Or muddy. Or soaked.

Nevertheless, I had a nice time. The weather was great until Wednesday night. As always, I feel like I have been away from my life for a while.

I did not run though. First I was sick. Then it was flooding and the roads were mud (4 wheel drives were getting stuck).

So, I dunno. My schedule for the marathon is seriously whacked. I don't want to push myself so hard that I injure myself trying to make up lost ground. And I've ceased to enjoy myself because I feel this pressure. Perhaps this is a goal that needs to be set aside until the spring. I think that would be the wiser approach. I hate to give up, but I want to also be realistic and not hurt myself. The race is Oct 16th and my longest run to date has been 16 miles. I don't see adding 10 miles to that in 6 weeks. Any advice for a newbie?

In other news, I finally got my thyroid results back. My thyroid works, but my body isn't utilitzing the stuff it produces. So, I start thyroid medication tomorrow.

Vacation!

Well, I have nothing profound to report. My brain has left for vacation. I am ready. I am not ready for my 18 mile run tomorrow. These suckers are getting tougher phychologically every time I do one. I dunno why. But I feel like its something I have to work through for my own sake. I am bumping up against my comfort zone limits again & again in this effort. I remember how scared I was when I did the triathlon. A part of me knows I can do this, but another part is really trying hard to argue her out of it. Weird.

In Limbo

I seem to be in a weird place. Overwhelmed by vacation preparation, the start of my son's school year, frustration regarding my weight loss being stalled out, I've been feeling like I've been circling the field or something.

This weekend I quit circling. My only exercise was a short run, and my eating was not good. But I did have a talk with hubby about eliminating certain foods from our house (for a short time) after vacation to help me build better habits. He agreed, as long as the changes were not permanent.

And I go to the doctor tomorrow. Until then, I feel paralyzed by my own frustration. I do know that going back to a lifestyle of no exercise and crappy eating is neither a solution nor an option.

The End of Summer Approaches

When I let my dogs outside this morning, the air felt cool. I love spring and summer, and utterly loathe winter (hey, I moved here from Hawaii!). I like fall, but it always makes me sad cause I know winter is coming. But after the miserable run of doom last weekend, I have to admit I was a little excited about that cool tingle in the air. I thought to myself "My 7 miler is gonna be great tomorrow!" To even have such a thought shows how much I have changed.

Last November for some absolutely stupid reason I decided to do a sprint distance triathlon. This came at random pretty much. Several bloggers had done/were doing them. Women that had started where I had, or with even more weight to lose. And I was getting bored & frustrated.

If you have told me when I began this insanity that after all the work, this summer I would weigh exactly what I did last summer, I probably never would have begun. And don't get me wrong, I still have pounds to go. But I look different. My clothes fit different. I feel different about myself. And I feel better.

Last summer I hadn't run since October of 1994 (near the beginning of my pregnancy). I thought I would never run again. And it feels good. Yes, I still want to lose weight. I need to lose weight. But I do feel better. And my eating is better. Far from perfect (or I'd be at goal), but better.

I have to remember that there is no expiration date, a day I must be at goal or all is lost. As long as I keep moving, its never lost.

Just checking in

Vacation related stress is resolved. Preparation is continuing, we will be prepared. I went totally off plan Tuesday night, but I picked myself up and got back with it. Two mile run this morning felt good. Morning weather is starting to cool down a bit. While I don’t look forward to fall (only because it means winter is that much closer!), it has made morning runs more pleasant.

I get my test results for my thyroid etc next Tuesday. I am hoping she finds something – I know that sounds weird, but I will be so glad to know that I’m not cursed to remain pudgy forever, which is how I’m starting to feel.

Free Floating Hostility

Why is it that some people have to have drama? What is the deal with that? Why can I not have a drama free vacation? It has already begun and we aren’t even there yet. I am too old to have high school-ish stress surrounding my vacation.

"There are plenty of difficult obstacles in your path. Don't allow yourself to become one of them." - Ralph Marston

Bodybuilding at about.com (one of my favorite sites) has an article that is several pages of motivational quotes. I thought that one was good.

Last year after my August vacation (every year the world's largest medieval combat recreation takes place in Pennsylvania in August and we go) I gained 10 pounds. I'm not gonna do that this year. I may not be losing, but I'm not gaining. And I'm not exactly starving myself. So its time to stop being angry about it.

Bitter

That says it all. After a week of faithful exercise, tightly controlled portions during the week (1500 – 1600 calories a day), and a weekend of improved eating…. Nothing. No change on the scale. Ugh.

On the other hand, I bench pressed 130 pounds yesterday. I stopped there, so I dunno if I could have made 135. So, improvement has been made in my upper body over the summer.

I am going out for sushi with my hubby tonight. I may even have a REAL beer when we get home.

Run this morning was good. 3 miles, and I really pushed on 2 or 3 of the run segments. It felt good – nice and breezy. Thank you hurricane Alex!

I bet Hell is Humid

Okay, the run report: Whoa. Major humidity, which burned off and became major heat. What a rough run. I made it 14 miles and called it quits (I planned an extra 3.5). Although I am on the low end mileage –wise for my long runs now, I can still in okay shape for being prepared for the marathon, unless something else comes up. These long runs are starting to get very tough. 14 miles feels like my upper limit. I am getting very nervous. I’m not sure I can do this.

Food was much better this weekend. I ate extra Friday and Sunday, but ate clean Saturday before my Sunday run. We’ll see if it makes any difference on the scale.

The Discipline of Steel

My philosophy regarding change is simple “The more things change, the more they suck.”  I am a creature of habit.  I eat the same foods over & over, I like my exercise regime to be well, regimented, all the sheets for my bed are the same color, I love the Flylady system (see link on side) for keeping my house in a high state of order with a minimum of effort.

Wednesday my grandmother (my mom’s mom, not the psycho one) was taken to the emergency room.  She had gotten out of her “secure” alzheimers unit and fallen on the road.  Just road rash, bruises, and a couple of nasty gashes on her face.  So, I frantically drove to the hospital, then sat and waited by her side for 4 hours (until my mom could get there).

I missed my workout, and I missed it.  I realized that even though my feet aren’t dancing as I head to the gym, I have discovered “the discipline of steel.”  (It’s from my favorite Arnold movie “Conan”, not my second favorite Arnold movie, “Pumping Iron”.) 

I love the routine, the sense of accomplishment, the burn, seeing the same faces.  I started lifting a year and a half ago. I started lifting with Sonja at the Y a little over a year ago.  We’re friends and training partners now.  I push her as hard as she pushes me.  I lift the 45 pound plate off her lap after she does weighted dips, and she does the same for me.

When I went yesterday, we combined the workouts from both days (omitting legs due to my long run upcoming tomorrow).  We brutalized our triceps, killed our shoulders, and biceps got a mere beating cause we were tired.

Dips with the 35 pound plate (3 sets of 15), then the overhead thingie with 35 pounds, then more dips to muscle failure.  Should presses with 35 pound dbs, oh my god!  Oh yeah, and I did pull-ups only off-setting 50 pounds!  We were so tired when it was over.  I was sweating – something I rarely do while lifting.  Since we had a lot to do, we went heavy & hard.  It felt wonderful.

This has been a sh*&ty week.  My ex-stepbrother treated my mom crappy, the thing with my grandmother, my husband leaving our dayshade set up during a storm so it got ruined (a new one is $100 and we have to have it for our camping trip), plus my period.  Hello, its amazing no one is dead.  Its amazing that (other than one 22 oz bud light purchased on the way home from the hospital) I have stuck to my eating plan.  I only missed one 30 minute walk since we made up our shoulder workout.

I feel better physically, and I feel a huge sense of accomplishment.  I took care of myself despite the stress, and I’m glad. 

My Favorite Weight
 
Well, I maintained this week.  I have fluctuated between 152 and 154 since April.  While I have a fairly large frame and muscular build for a short girl, that’s too much weight.  And I’m frustrated.

That being said, I had another good food & exercise day yesterday.  Hubby was home, so we indulged and ate the lasagna our neighbors brought over.  They make the best lasagna ever, but from the looks (and taste) of it, I’m sure its loaded in Italian sausage.  I had a good sized yet controlled portion.  And they only brought over enough for the 2 of us to have it for a meal, so I don’t have to worry about leftovers!

I bought some O’Doul’s amber because they were out of my usual Sharp’s at the grocery this past weekend.  The down side is it has more calories (90 versus 58) per bottle,  but its very tasty.  I had one of those in the evening while hubby had a beer.

I ran 30 minutes on the treadmill and then walked 30 minutes here at the office.

I ran into an acquaintance upstairs this morning and she asked how much weight I’d lost.  When I told her I’d been on a plateau for about 3 months she had several suggestions including: an Atkins okay 1 day cream cheese and nut diet, Smarties after your workout (to keep metabolism high) and protein right before bed.  I may try the protein one.  Hell, I may even try a one day wacky diet next week after my long run this weekend.  Maybe on Tuesday.  We’ll see. 

I Want To Lose Some of This FAT!!!!!!!!!

BTW – Long weekend!  I’m off the next two days.  See ya on the flip side!

Living a Life

That’s what I’m doing now I guess.  I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.  (Do women have those?)  I’m coming to the realization that this is my life – I seriously doubt I’ll get rich, write a best-seller, or become an astronaut.

I am generally happy with my life – I have a nice house & family, a good marriage, and a job that I am pretty happy with that pays me enough that we do okay.  But I’m not very satisfied lately and that comes from within.

It’s not about wearing a certain size of pants, it’s more about stretching myself to do and experience things.  I’ve never been an athlete, but I would like to push myself.  This is my life – I can sit on my sofa and watch tv (which I don’t enjoy all that much), or I can become a better cyclist and do another tri next year, take up adventure racing, and go camping more.

Part of this is coming from the fact that my son is getting older (9 ½) and I am happily married and now have time to think about it.  Part is the thing with my grandmother, and I think a little is because of hubby having this out of town job for the next several weeks is giving me plenty of time alone.

And I’ve been feeling stressed and sad – part is reason driven and part is just because of nothing in particular.  And I’ve been denying/fighting those feelings rather than just accepting that this is how I’m feeling now.  And its okay, it’s normal to feel sad sometimes.  We can’t be happy constantly.  Fighting your feelings can be like trying to move a mountain sometimes.  Instead, I think I’m better off to just accept that I’m going through a sad period and take care of myself and be patient.

Yesterday was a good day.  I ate healthy foods, kept to my food plan, got plenty of exercise (1/2 hour walk at work, 1 hour weight training, and ½ hour walk at home).  I felt in control and empowered.  This morning it was raining and thundering, so I drove to the gym and ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes.  And then I walked for 30 minutes here at work, even though my friend didn’t have time to go.  My mom offered to take my out to lunch, but I said thanks but no, and came back here to eat my tuna on a bed of salad.

I feel good about the choices I’ve been making, but I also know that I may give in and eat something I don’t really need.  I just keep reminding myself that I’m maintaining and I’d like to lose, but I’m not gaining.  My running is improving, and I am seeing pay-off from the extra weight training I’ve done this summer.  It doesn’t all come at once.  This is for the rest of my life – its not like I need to be at goal weight by x date OR ELSE.  Or else what?

So, moving to a better place emotionally.  And I’m proud that while I’ve made some bad choices, I have not gained a lot of weight.  Last fall I gained 10 pounds, and then had to really struggle for about 6 months to take it back off.  I may be stalled, but I know that I won’t let that happen again this year.

75 Channels and Nothing to Watch
 
Now that the Tour is over, what am I gonna watch on tv???  I was rooting for Lance (who wasn't?), but I have to confess to being a big Jan Ullrich fan.  For one, he was riding on a team in East Berlin back when I was living in Berlin, and I tend to pull for the Germans (my family is from there and I lived there)  and he's just a very powerful rider with lousy timing.

I've been in a weird mood the past few days, feeling kinda cruddy, which has been made worse by poor eating habits.  I didn't run this weekend - I was a big slug.  Ugh.

A while back, my husband picked up 2 old but nice Fuji road bikes.  The only problem is that the smaller one has that bar thingie across it (I think of that as a "boy" bike) and I don't know how to get on and off w/o hurting myself.  But all bikes have that dumb bar these days.  I guess I have to learn to get on and off w/o hurting myself b/c I would like to get better with my biking and thats not gonna happen on a $150 Mongoose.

I feel like I am on a fence.  A part of me would like to become fit and athletic and have an active lifestyle.  And a part of me would like to keep my old (bad) eating habits.  Sooner or later, its gonna be time to get off the fence.

Step Away from the Wonder Woman Costume
 
When I got to the gym yesterday, Sonja said “You look like crap.  Are you coming down with something?”  That pretty much sums it up.  I go to work, go to the gym, then go home and sew till bedtime.  I’m exhausted after only 2 days of that schedule.  So yesterday I gave it up.
 
I did my legs & shoulders, plus mixed in a little bis & tris so I could skip the gym today.  Then I went home, had dinner, watched Lance, took a long soak in the tub, & read a book until bedtime.
 
After a good night of sleep, I got up rejuvenated!  I ran 3 miles this morning.  After work I’m going to go home & hit the sewing again, but with no trek to the gym it should be more manageable.
 
Yesterday was good on the fitness front.  The usual 30 minutes walk plus weight lifting.  Food was good too:
 
B: French toast (made with lite bread & egg beaters) & spam
S: low fat string cheese
L: Lean Cuisine shrimp scampi, a little salad, and Wow Doritos
S: plum and half a payday
D: sliced tomato & cucumber, 1 c spaghetti with a can of anchovies
S: 2 non-alcohol beers and a blue bunny no sugar ice cream bar
 
The grand total it right around 1,500 calories, which is pretty good.  I can’t really go lower than that with my exercise program, I just get way too hungry & start to feel bad.  So I don’t do that.

Tired
 
I’m tired.  I dunno if its PMS, the fact that I slept poorly Monday night, how much I have to do to get ready for vacation (even if its fun stuff), I just don’t know.
 
Hubby came home a day early last night.  It was nice after I got over my crankiness at having my plans changed.  I don’t like change, especially when I am busy being “Mrs. Captain Cranky Pants”.
 
Anyway, I made a nice dinner since he was home, and we did have a couple of beers while watching “Excalibur”, but it was all planned in.  I walked 30 min, did 20 on the elliptical, and lifted weights (chest and back).  I was tired while at the gym, so we left abs for today.
 
Having hubby home, I slept good last night, and moved my morning run to tomorrow so we could snuggle.  Our little 10 pound Chihuahua-mutt dog kept squeezing in between us.  She missed her daddy *lol*
 
So, tonight is the food I planned for last night – which is a repeat of Monday.  I think the extra 20 minutes on the elliptical is all I can muster.  While I packed stuff for hubby’s cooler and made breakfast, he washed the dishes and folded laundry.  What a sweetie.
 
I also made my son another medieval tunic for vacation last night.  It came out nicely, if I do say so myself.  :-)

The Vampires Helped me See Reason
 
Well, I didn’t run this morning.  I was planning to run 4 days this week instead of the usual two weekday runs.  Even though my heel has been bothering me a little bit and Jeff Galloway says “don’t overdo it.”  I wanted to finally break this weight plateau.  Luckily, last night I was home alone, which meant I didn’t sleep very well.  I also had a couple of bad dreams (involving vampires), so when this morning rolled around I decided I needed more rest.  Usually blowing off a workout is not a “good thing”, but when you are adding extra workouts specifically not in your training program in order to lose weight faster, then you are asking for trouble IMO.  So, I will do my usual run tomorrow.
 
The thing is, I feel like I should be doing more to help break this plateau, but that’s easier said than done.  I walk 30 minutes 5 days a week (at a comfortable pace).  I lift weights for 60 minutes 3 days a week.  I run 3 days a week.  I mean, how much more can I really add?  I am going to add 20 minutes on the elliptical post weight training.  We’ll see if that helps.
 
Eating was good yesterday.  No post dinner snacks, although I did have 2 non-alcohol beers (58 calories each).  That’s pretty darn good.  I had a healthy dinner (sautéed chicken in leftover homemade country captain sauce – it’s a tomato curry sauce) and a plate of sliced cukes and tomato with seasoned plain fat free yogurt.  Yum.
 
I am making my son 3 shirts and my husband 2 (these are medieval style tunics) for our vacation – I did my son’s first shirt last night.  I love costuming!  It was a lot of fun and it looks really nice.  Sewing costumes for me is very relaxing and I am very excited to have stuff to sew.  I may go buy some muslin and make a couple extras if I have time.  We’ll see.  I still have more sewing after these shirts I have cut out.  And I am painting celtic knotwork designs on sheets to make “walls” for our outdoor shower. 

 Ready for vacation.

And now, for your morning Road Kill Report
 
That’s the down side of running on a semi-country road.  The opportunity to really examine each new road-kill in stunning detail as you slowly jog/walk by.  This week wasn’t bad – a Canadian goose, a couple of feet off into the grass.  The usual collection of extremely flattened frogs and other little creatures.  Nothing highly disturbing like last week’s opossum (pregnant).  My husband has standing orders that if he should ever bike past a dog, he is to go get the car immediately and pick my ass up as I will be crying by the side of the road, unable to go on as soon as I see it.  I love animals – the world would be a wonderful place if people were as nice as pets.  Sorry if that seems pessimistic, most people aren’t evil, they’re just goobers.
 
I have figured out the key to losing weight:  stop shoveling crap in my mouth all weekend.  As soon as that happens, I’ll let ya know.  Ha ha ha!  Oh well, I’m very fit for a chubette, right?
 
We missed a wedding Saturday since hubby had to work.  That sucked.  I was very disappointed.  Sunday we just hung out & worked on projects to get ready for big vacation in August.  Hubby started his out of town job today – he’ll be home on Wednesday.  We haven’t been apart much in our marriage – this will be tough.  But the $ will definitely help a lot, oh, and make vacation a lot more pleasant!
 
I ran 2 miles this morning – there was a car acted really odd.  Driving really slow around the ‘hood.  It made me uncomfortable enough that I only ran 2 miles rather than the planned 3.  Now hubby is all worried with me running while he’s out of town.  I didn’t tell him about my decision to do a “very bad thing.”  I am going to run every day, Monday through Thursday.  And do 20 minutes on the elliptical after weight training, Tuesday through Thursday.  Friday I am doing nothing because I have an 18 mile run Saturday. 
 
After the “run of doom” we are going to our couple friend’s house, where R and I will drink foofy drinks and watch HGTV while the men burp or something.  We aren’t the kind of people to have tons of  “friends” – although we would say we have lots of good acquaintances.  But R is hubby’s closest friend, and his wife R is probably my closest girl friend.  And because they got married a year after we did, and are fixing up their first house too, and have a lot of the same interests, and they are great people, we have just bonded well and love to hang out together.  They live about 90 minutes away, so its close enough we can see each other when we want, but not so close we get tired of seeing each other.
 
My 7-miler this weekend went well.  My eating did not.  As frustrated as I get, its obviously not frustrated enough to stop.  I have all my meals planned for this week, and feel confident I’ll do okay.  Maybe the extra exercise will help.

Neca’s Wacky Weight Loss Scheme (tm)
 
So, I was down an incredible half a pound this week!  You know, the one I gain every other week, and lose on alternate weeks?  Ugh.
 
Hubby is taking a job out of town for the next few weeks, coming home mid-week.  So, that gives me 3 nights per week alone, where I can eat simply, not cook, and work out more.
 
So, here’s my wacky weight loss scheme for while he’s away:
 
1)      Plan all my meals, using some tv dinners and pre-portioned leftovers.  Eat within my calorie range.
2)      Exercise more.
3)      Move snack night to when he’s home, and avoid snacks the other nights.
4)      Plan stuff to keep me busy (as needed).
5)      Spend a lot of time soaking in the tub.
 
Think it’ll work?

This is an update?

Nothing too exciting to post, but I wanted to check in. Tuesday I had my after dinner snack (even though its planned, it still makes me feel guilty). Yesterday eating was good – although I did substitute my mixed nuts at my afternoon snack for Oreos. Oh well. 6 oreos won’t kill me I guess.

I did not go to the gym yesterday (it was leg & shoulder day). Hubby & I went shopping! We are going on vacation in August. I realize, camping (with no electricity, in a tent) for more than a week with 13,000 other people is not “fun” for most people. Especially since during the hottest part of the day, several thousand of those people will be donning medieval style armor to participate in the world’s largest medieval battle re-creation – for 5 of those days. But its our vacation.

Anyway, we needed stuff for camp – table top tikis, new water carriers (they have running water but its too nasty to shower in, let alone drink!), a stand for our camp stove, a new “grill” top to put over the fire. Mmmmm – meat cooked over a fire. I can’t wait!

Have I ever mentioned how I met my husband? We both do medieval battle re-creation. Kinda like civil war re-enactment, but ours is full contact – and we are making the battle up as we go rather than “acting out” a specific scene from history. Complete with armor, costumes, medieval pavilion (think the camp in LOTR without the cool painting). Love it, although I do demand a “real” vacation at least every other year. (For the record, that involves white sandy beaches and foofy girl drinks)!

Just trudging along – headed in the right direction, just moving awfully slow I feel like.

Yesterday’ food:

I’m not a big poster of food lists, but I like to every once and a while.

B: 2 slices fat free bologna on whole wheat (only 80 calories and it tasted so decadent) I have no idea why I was craving bologna sandwiches.
S: 2 low fat string cheeses and a nectarine
L: salad with grilled chicken breast and a hard roll (no butter). Half a cookie. (I had to go to a luncheon, so this is really excellent)
S: nectarine and 1 oz mixed nuts
D: Weight Watchers enchilada casserole and ½ c refried beans

That’s it, plus walked an hour and lifted weights (chest & back).

The Fine Line Between Urination and Dehydration

Well, I ran the farthest I’ve ever run in my life this weekend – 15.7 miles. I can’t believe it.

So, the run redux:

First 7 miles were normal, by the 10.5 mark I was a little tired, by the 12-ish mile point, I was beginning to be really tired. At 14 mile mark I wanted to hang a right and walk the 50 yards to my driveway. I turned left to do the last 2 miles. Realizing I was out of liquid (and it was getting hotter and more humid by the second), I cut off a cul de sac and cruised on home. The last 1.7 miles were horrible. But I did it.

I took all the recommendations to heart: more food & water before, used gel at the 7 mile point (my, but that stuff is a special kind of nasty!), and drank and ate quickly after. That peanut butter sandwich was a slice of heaven.

After I collapsed into my chair with water and my sandwich, my hubby comes in and says “I’m taking you out to breakfast. Don’t worry – you can go just like you are.” I busted out laughing and said “I can’t put shoes back on my feet.” That was man speak for “I wanna go out to breakfast so I’ll make it look like I’m treating you.” My response was wife speak for “no”.

Men. On the plus side, he rode his bike and stuck with me quite a bit to help me pass the time. That was great. He’s a sweetie.

Overall the weekend was pretty nice. I worked like a dog Saturday, shopping, cleaning, cooking etc so that I could do nothing after my run Sunday – which is exactly what I did. I napped, bathed, picked up when the mood struck, and watched movies. Very nice.

Today is weight training at the gym. Which reminds me – I had the weirdest dream about lifting weights. I dreamed I was at the Y lifting weights with this guy. He’s someone I see at the gym, but I don’t know him. So it wasn’t really him – just someone that looked like that, if that makes any sense. Anyway, in the dream he is telling me how much progress I’ve made – he’s really dissecting the muscle growth (which is true) and complimenting me on the progress. And I have made loads of progress in the muscle development/ weight training department. Then he looks at me and says “Now you need to love yourself enough to stop over eating and take care of yourself – lose the weight and be the best you you can be.” Wow.

The Drama Never Stops

We now interrupt this regularly scheduled fitness blog for a rant about my dysfunctional family. There is not “fun” in this dysfunction, please stop reading if you aren’t interested and come back Monday when I will let you know how my long run went.

Still here? God knows I wish I weren’t. You know, hubby & I are going to some counseling so we can get help working through our differing views on money, confrontation, and anger. Our marriage is a good one, but new, and we want to keep it on the right path. So, we are working together, learning new things about each other, and drawing closer than we were before.

Therapy can also be a very painful time, as you examine old hurts in order to better understand (and help your partner understand) why you hold some of the beliefs you do. It’s like pulling the scabs off stuff you normally don’t spend a lot of time dwelling on.

So, with scabs pulled off, vaguely depressed in a non-directed way, concerned about hubby who is trying to finish a very stressful job – who comes along to pour a little salt on those open wounds? My grandma, who writes my mom a letter (received yesterday), stating that she is cutting all ties with us both and never wants to see or hear from either of us again.

As my mom said, “Well. There goes 38 years of friendship.” (For the record, this is my dad’s mom).

I could go into an in depth analysis of the 3 generation manipulative, psycho, craziness that goes on on that side of my family, but what’s the point? Way to go grandma, you just alienated the only 2 people you had not already estranged, or been estranged from. Or maybe she already felt that way and hadn’t said so (which I believe). God knows she’s always had this weird passive-aggressive, talking behind your back to other family members mojo going on.

And because all of this stuff is so near the surface, this is affecting me a lot more than it normally would. I know my grandma for what she is, and I know a little of how she got to be that way (not that it is okay, just that I understand a little). And this wouldn’t bother me so much if I hadn’t made such an effort in the last couple of years (after the death of my mom’s dad) to get closer to her. Given that my other grandmother is in end stage Alzheimer’s, she’s the only grandparent I have left.

I realized that both my dad and his mother always made their affection conditional. They loved me if I were “good” (i.e. did what they told me). I remember my dad and his wife giving me a hard time about how much I was eating as a young pre-teen/ teen-ager, reinforcing my belief that I wasn’t worthy of love unless it was based upon my looks or behavior.

No wonder I have such a screwed up relationship with food.

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

We met my sister & her boyfriend at the baseball game last night. The weather was great – not humid & a nice little breeze, and the tickets were free.

I had a very small dinner, so I could have half a chili dog and half a beer at the game. Other than a couple of my son’s nacho chips, that was it. Last year when we went, I was crabby as heck b/c they were sold out of hot dogs, not to mention miserably hot and muggy! *lol* This year was much better.

Did shoulders and a light leg workout yesterday. On the weeks where my long run is really long, I am going to start scaling back my leg workout. I’ll do a heavier workout on the in between weeks. Sonja was cool with this – she doesn’t really like doing legs the way I do.

Tonight is biceps & triceps. I am really seeing a difference in my arms – they are coming along nicely. I am running 16 miles this Sunday. Have I mentioned that already? Have I mentioned that these long runs are becoming daunting emotionally as well as physically? I am really pushing myself way out of my comfort zone now. I guess that’s why I wanted to do this thing in the first place.

Sometimes when I get down about my still poochy belly (which feels like its even poochier than normal as of late) or my jean size, I remind myself how much I’ve done – the bench press competition, the triathlon, running the longest distance I’ve ever run in my life.

Did I mention there is a local kid’s triathlon series local to me? My son is going to become a triathlete in his own right this summer. Sharing an enthusiasm for competition, watching him get excited about this stuff – that almost means more to me than any of the stuff I’ve done on my own. I’m so proud of him!

I Hate Shopping

Yesterday morning I was griping about not having enough decent clothes for work. It is true: I'm in one of those weird in between stages. I am able to wear (nice) shorts to work, which is great in the heat & humidity we are experiencing now. Unfortunately, except for 3 pair, my shorts fall into one of the following categories: too small, threadbare, or hand me downs from my mom that look like they are left over from the 80's - so not my colors or fabrics.

So yesterday, my husband gives me some money and asks me to please go shopping. It was so sweet, and I did have time after work yesterday. Unfortunately, while innocently sitting at my desk someone attached a hose to me and blew me up. Me & my swollen belly went to Kohl's. There, it either didn't fit or looked like something your grandma would wear on a carnival cruise. Oh god.

Next I went to Wal-Mart. Yes I did. I found 2 pair of capris that are okay. They are comfortable - mostly b/c they are 1/2 a size too big, but the next size down was a little tight. I didn't spend a lot of money, but add that to my existing shorts and couple of sundresses and I should make it through the summer.

My head is not in a good place today. I was feeling good about my body, and that shopping trip blew it. Feeling sad, I used part of the money to feed hubby & me pizza and beer for dinner.

Ugh.

My Bike has missed me

And I have missed it. I rode my bike twice this week – Saturday and yesterday after the gym. I know I’m not a “serious cyclist”. I have a little cruiser (with a wide seat). But its fun to ride around. Someday I might have enough money to afford a real rode bike (and lessons on how to use the sucker!). In the meantime, I’ll just ride around on my little mongoose, happy to be getting some exercise.

My 7 mile run Sunday was good, and I ran 3 this morning. Mostly it was nice to just hang out with my husband this weekend. We did some serious talking today, but not over the weekend. We just focused on hanging out. I am eating some weird things – but I am eating what sounds good. I am watching my portions though. Like last night, I had spaghetti (1 cup) with anchovies and garlic. This is one of my favorite childhood meals. I’ve eaten it 5 times in the past week. Weird, I know. But if I crave it, then I can have it for dinner. Every night if I want. For the record, I also had leftover grilled veggies, so it wasn’t an unhealthy meal. Giving myself permission to eat has been interesting. The funny thing is, instead of pigging out, I’m feeling more in control than I was before when I was trying to be all strict about my food.

I am going to the dr tomorrow to get the results of my thyroid test. I’m anxious to see what she has to say.

Post Weekend

Well, it was a nice weekend. We cooked out with our neighbors. We did grilled vegetables and a couple of those "beer can chickens". Let me tell you, that chicken was incredible! It was so juicy and tender - yum! I am hooked! My mom made pasta salad and the neighbors brought homemade banana ice cream. It was a very nice meal and we had a great time.

I am back at work today - its very quiet, and doesn't even feel like work :-)

I am still reading Geneen Roth's books. I'm nearly done with "Breaking free from compulsive eating" and then have "Why Weight? A guide to breaking free from compulsive eating" to read still. I am finding her books very useful.

Instead of trying to control what I'm consuming, I'm focusing on feeling my feelings as I eat. It has been pretty enlightening. I have given myself permission to eat, which has been a bit scary. But I haven't stuffed myself the way I've always been afraid I would either.

I maintained last week, and right now I'm okay with that. Until I understand what I am getting from eating & being overweight, I'm happy to work on understanding and just maintain my weight.

I did not make healthy choices this weekend, and I really paid attention to how those made me feel. I rode my bike 7 miles Saturday and ran 7 miles Sunday. I could tell my performance suffered. Next weekend I am running 16 miles and I know I cannot do that if I've eaten crappy or consumed alcohol the day before. But by recognizing that, I don't feel like I'm laying down strict rules or depriving myself by eating healthy the day before. I know I have to plan better next weekend, and I feel okay with that.

More & more I'm finding that this isn't about losing weight, for me its about getting in touch with feelings I didn't know existed. That will lead to a healthier me, inside & out.

Little Orphan Diary

What can I say? Life gets busy, and my poor diary gets left sitting. On the weight front, I maintained this week. I can’t say this was a week “deserving” of a loss, my eating was very so-so, and exercise was minimal. Once again I’ve been using food to cover up emotions. I’m working on that.

The other thing I’m working on is being kinder to myself. It’s okay to miss a run or have a beer – its really not the end of the world. But I act like I just went out & murdered some puppies when I “slip” – like hello, that’s life. Chill out. Keep the momentum going in the right direction & you’ll get there. You’re supposed to enjoy the journey – it’s the only one we get.

I make no promises about this weekend, other than to do the best I can, try to spend some quality time with my husband, and enjoy myself in ways that don’t involve food.

Is anyone home?

Well, after an extra long (4 day) weekend and a busy day catching up yesterday, I’m here.

First, the 14 mile run went well. I had a nasty headache after, and was sore a couple of days, but the run itself went well and I am amazed that I did it!

Eating was not great – being on the road, eating weird times in weird locales made it tough. And I did some emotional eating.

I finished one of Geneen Roth’s books – it was her first one, “Feeding the Hungry Heart” I think. It was good, and I’ve started another “Breaking Free of Compulsive Eating.”

I still don’t know whether I am eating to deal with stress, eating out of habit, or eating to prevent myself from losing more weight. That’s an important question, but right now I still haven’t discovered the answer.

Why I choose to sabotage myself all the freaking time

There are two things major issues I need to consider:

1) emotional eating - why does this happen? Oh, its happened on and off for years - I eat from loneliness, stress, boredom, for comfort etc. Sometimes I am able to link the eating with a very specific event or emotion, and other times not. I think I have simply become accustomed to eating while watching tv. I am considering trying an experiment next week of no tv weekday evenings and see what happens.

2) fear of losing weight. When was the last time I was a good weight? How did I feel about myself? How did other people treat me? What was my lifestyle? In answering these questions I realized that while I want to go back to that weight, I do NOT want to go back to that life! ha ha ha Are the two linked in my head? How do I un-link them? Or is it fear of failure? "I'll never be able to achieve the body I want even if I lose the weight, so I won't lose the weight." I need to give myself permission to not have a "perfect" body even if my weight is good. (I'm not sure that last one is a problem but its something to consider).

For some people it seems as simple as becoming aware of what they are eating, and cutting back. I wish it were that simple for me.

Size 12 jean shorts

I am wearing size 12 jean shorts today. I’ve worn size 12 slacks etc for a while, but have been stuck in size 14 jeans for what feels like all eternity. Until today.

I have big hips. So, if something fits my waist it’s too tight in the hips. If the hips fit, the waist is generally loose. But today these are comfortable. :-)

In a way I feel unworthy since I have gained 2 pounds, but I’ve jumped right back into good choices and am trying to make (healthy) food I really enjoy.

I did arms yesterday (biceps & triceps) and ran 30 min on the treadmill. If feels so much harder than it does on the road. I skipped abs – Sonja cut out a couple of minutes early and I just didn’t do them on my own.

Nothing profound here today. Except that I checked a couple of books by Geneen Roth out of the library – I’ll let you know what I think.

Better

This weekend was better. I didn’t rely on food. I had two after dinner snacks, but ate good meals. So, while not perfect (I would like to limit that to 1 snack, but we’ll see how this went), it is more in line with how my eating needs to be. I scared myself a little when I quickly reverted to my old “stuffing it all down with food” ways.


My run was good. I am doing 14 miles this Friday. Oh my God.

Gone Camping

I’m headed out pretty soon. My son is on vacation with grandma and the hubby & I are going camping this weekend – just the two of us. I am really looking forward to being alone without any distractions for a time. Just to talk & walk & be out in nature.

He has agreed to be more supportive about my eating habits. Last night is a pretty good example – he broke one of my favorite wine glasses, so he goes to the store & picks up beer and a large soft pretzel to apologize. To that end, we are packing only healthy food for our trip. If I’m not back here Monday, you know I didn’t survive the diet Pepsi withdrawal!

Why Ask Why?

I’m curious: Is there anyone who gets in their car after a long day at work and thinks to themselves “Hurray! I get to go to the gym!” (besides Dave Draper). Really? Can you teach me that? Ha ha ha

I was walking out to my car yesterday, thinking about how tired I was. My job isn’t physically tiring, but it’s mentally taxing. I was tired. And thinking about going to the gym made me tired. I had no enthusiasm. I realized I never do. But in the last 15 months of going to the gym after work to lift weights, I can’t remember ever just blowing it off (okay, there was 1 month in there I didn’t lift). Even though I’m never very excited, I just go. Why ask why? Just do it. Blah blah blah. And I always remember how good I feel and how much fun I have while doing it – that keeps me going back.

So, another arm workout is in the log book.

I got up to run this morning. Oh my God. I only made it 2 miles. Yesterday was 70 degrees and 93% humidity. This morning was 73 and 93% humidity. I just couldn’t do it – running through a tepid sponge is bad, this morning was just beyond that. As much as I hate it, starting next week my weekday runs are at the gym after my arm workout. I don’t like running on a treadmill. And I will just have to suffer through the long run on the weekends.

I had a snack last night after dinner – I’m guessing around 350 calories. I did it because I was hungry. I generally eat around 900-1000 calories during the day, then dinner is something like a piece of meat (grilled, baked, or sautéed), and 2 vegetables. After I eat I still feel hungry. So I am making a pot of vegetable soup and some sugar free jello next week. I can have a cup of soup with or after dinner, and the jello can be “dessert.” That’s not a lot of extra calories, it’s healthy, and maybe it will prevent me from eating junk after dinner. I refuse to be hungry.

Heather is quitting her diary. I understand her reasons and respect them. Hers was the first weight loss blog I ever read, but her diary is so much more than that. It’s about life, how we treat each other, how we treat ourselves. Sometimes these little pages tossed out there by normal people are well crafted, thought provoking, insightful. That’s why I enjoy them so much. And I love to read about what other people eat. Ha!

(I’d list what I ate yesterday, but it was a totally weird day: hurried breakfast, business lunch, really excellent dinner though (whiting breaded with Japanese panko crumbs and sauteed, corn on cob, zucchini) and the dreaded bad after dinner snack. Ugh.)

The food stops over there.

Well, I haven't been real happy about it, but control has been re-applied to my life. Food was perfect Monday and good yesterday. I lifted Monday, and walked for 55 minutes. Yesterday my run got rained out, but I did squeeze in a 35 minute walk. Today I ran (to make up for yesterday) and am lifting after work.

For the record, Monday's food:

B: optimum cereal w/ berries & soy milk
S: homemade 3 bean salad (with splenda and a little olive oil)
L: salad with a can of tuna & 1/4 c garbanzos
S: a payday
D: "gumbo" - a load of veggies, a chicekn breast, and cajun seasonings in the crockpot. YUM!
S: 190 calories worth (a small single serving bag) of pistachios.

I have to say I felt much better yesterday than I have in a while - maybe cause I was eating healthy food, ya think?

We went out with my mom yesterday, and my options weren't great, but neither was my dinner so I didn't eat much of it. Which meant I had 1/2 a california roll and a light beer when I got home. Today is back on track, eating dinner at home. Sauteed fish, zucchini, and corn on the cob.

My evil right knee (ton ACL) was bothering me some on the run Sunday. We are in denial. It felt okay this morning, but that was just 3 miles. We'll see.

Running happens between feedings

Ugh.

Friday is a haze of food. I don't remember what I ate. I don't remember ever eating like Friday before. Ugh. Last night wasn't the best either, but it wasn't like Friday.

Saturday and most of Sunday I ate really well. And I did my 11 mile run Sunday morning. Its beginning to take me a few hours to recover from these things. Not tired - like laying on the sofa beat. Just feeling a little not-quite-all-there. Weird, but nothing scary. I guess running for 2 hours requires some recovery time. Imagine that.

This Sunday I ate half an energy bar and made sure I had gatorade/water mix in my camelbak. The week before I just had water, and no pre-run food. That was tough. I felt much better this week.

The first 3.5 miles were the usual argument with my whiny inner child (who hates running). The second 3.5 I was a goddess, and the final 4 I was a mortal - a little tired and kinda bored (I was running loops in the sub-division at that point). I think next week I'll do the sub-division miles first, then the 3.5 out & back with lots of different scenery.

At least I did that much.

You make your own destiny

Maybe that sounds a little melodramatic, but Diet Chick made a good point a couple of days back: each moment we are making choices. Those choices influence who we will be in the future. For big decisions affecting our choice of house, career, our retirement fund, its obvious. But the little choices that fly under our radar screen (a second buffalo wing at the leadership conference) add up to have some pretty big cumulative effects.

Its all about choices. Lately, mine have been mixed. I did have a 200 calorie after dinner snack last night, but I did pass on a second buffalo wing or meatball at the conference yesterday afternoon. Those two choices probably “cancelled” each other out, more or less. But do all the little choices I make add up to improving my health & fitness or not? Lately the answer feels like a draw.

I did life weights yesterday. I did swim 500 yards after. Today I took 2 walks at work: 25 minutes and 30 minutes (I moved my run to tomorrow). I am lifting this afternoon, and packed my suit for another swim. As my friend Heather says “Something Every Day.” That’s where I’m at. Not every choice can be “perfect” – whatever that is. Not every choice can be the best. You can’t pass up a second buffalo wing unless you had one in the first place. But my choice not to have a second was a good one.

All I can do is just focus on the moment – making good choices in the here and now. The cool thing about the little choices that fly under our radar screen is that alone, each is pretty painless. But together, they can take us a long way.

Shocking News: Food Relieves Stress


Wanna know why people turn to food when they are stressed? Because it works! Ha! I mean, it has unpleasant side effects – weight gain and all that. But hey, its cheaper and more convenient than going down & getting a prescription for Prozac. Besides, does Prozac work as quickly as pretzels? Didn’t think so.

I’m not talking about true depression here. I’m talking about temporary, event related stress. Food helps. While I’m not endorsing this method, I’m not going to criticize you if it helps you get through a rough spot. And I think a giant pretzel and a couple of beers (used occasionally) is better for me than medication. Certainly helped last night, thanks very much.

Having said that, we have agreed to go to a marriage counselor to help us talk out how we deal with money. Let’s just say my husband’s family didn’t offer him many role models for good communication skills. And I’m no saint either. And I would rather work together now when we are having a little conflict, rather than 5 years down the road when we are having a really big conflict. I think of this as an investment in our future.

Here was my day yesterday:

Exercise:
3 mile run. I was tired (maybe it was that 7:40 pm yoga class Monday night), but physically I felt fine. But mentally it was not my best run.

B: egg mcmuffin (no cheese) & diet coke
S: 2 low fat string cheeses
L: big old salad with tuna and garbanzos
S: grapefruit and half a payday
D: homemade “fried rice” with loads of veggies, chicken, and shrimp
S: 2 beers and a giant soft pretzel

There are days I feel so fit, and then there are times…… ugh. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at yoga Monday night. I really do want to lose weight. I know I sabotage myself at times, but I also know that the way I live now is a way I can live forever, compared with “being on a diet”.

Tonight I am swimming after I lift weights. Did I mention Monday’s session was good? Chest & triceps on Monday. Tonight is back & biceps. My shoulders are looking good. Just need to up the old cardio.

Cardio – bane of my existence

Okay, I have a confession here. I read a couple of blogs where women did triathlons. Last winter I was bored out of my skull, sick and tired of walking on the “dreadmill” or the elliptical. I needed something to give my mindless hamster-like cardio routine meaning. Other people did it, so I figured I could too. And so I went forth and trained for a triathlon. The purpose wasn’t to complete a triathlon (although I did). The whole point of this exercise was to add variety and purpose to my cardio workouts. Which it did. Naturally, I had to actually do the triathlon at the end, otherwise I could just quit.


Well, that’s the point of the marathon too. Although I have to say it’s a little nearer and dearer to my heart than the triathlon was. It sounds more daunting I guess *lol*. But I needed some motivation to actually run more – to do more cardio. So, imagine my feelings when, confessing my routine of late to my trainer, she confirmed my suspicions: I’ve slacked off on my cardio. How is such a thing possible while training for a marathon? Here’s the scoop:

I am following the Galloway training program for beginning runners. (You can check out his web site if you want the specifics). In a nutshell, he has you run 3 days a week, 2 short and one long (which I’ve been doing). Then for 3 other days you are supposed to be doing 30-40 minutes of walking or some other form of low impact cross training (biking, swimming, elliptical etc). He does say you can sub 1 day of upper body weight training for one XT session. That still leaves me missing a couple of cardio workouts. I’m lifting 3 days a week, doing yoga once a week, running 3 times, but lately that’s been it. No biking or swimming. Just the occasional walk here at the office.

So, this week I’ve gotta re-focus and work on getting in more cardio. I plan to swim after weights on Wednesday & Thursday. Just when I think I’ve got a handle on something, it seems like I lose control. ALways juggling - thats me.

The weekend that was

I don’t know about you, but I had a nice weekend. I have gotten a little more perspective on the whole financial thing. I reached acceptance and am ready to deal with it and move on.

We did a whole bunch of stuff around the house – yard work, plus painted and steam cleaned the boy’s room, got his furniture re-arranged…. Just a bunch of stuff! And as an added bonus, not only did all that stuff burn calories, but I ate totally on plan until Sunday night. Hello!!!! That’s like the first weekend in forever – so being good busy helps.

I had a planned treat Sunday night (beer and taco chips) and an unplanned treat at lunch today (wound up having pizza with hubby when we bumped into each other running errands at my mom’s place). Oh well, deal and move on. Eat clean the rest of the week.

My run yesterday was .. long. 10 miles to be precise. I may need new shoes – one foot was hurting. And I was getting tired near the end. But did you read that number? When was the last time I ran double digit mileage. Was it in this lifetime??? I am very proud that I hung in there, even though I was tired the last mile. I rock.

And I will not skip weigh in this week. I had stress, I succumbed for a couple of days, I dealt with it, and now its back to life.

Today is a new day

I left work, went to the gym, had a good workout (legs and shoulders), then went home & cried. I heated up an emergency dinner from the freezer (homemade Brunswick stew) and finally wound up sitting on the sofa, having a couple of beers, some chips we had in the cupboard, and then some of the ice cream my sister left at my house last week. Needless to say, I skipped weighing in today.

I just feel so profoundly sad and when you are grieving it seems like it will last forever. That’s where I am right now. I have stuff to do this weekend – paint my son’s room, steam clean his carpet, re-arrange the furniture in his & the guest bedrooms. There is still some yard work that needs to be done as well. My joy for everything is gone. I know it will eventually come back. I just hope I don’t sabotage myself too badly in the interim.

This is just so outside of how I normally am it feels like there is an alien who has taken control of my emotions. I hate this, and I hate wishing my life away to be at the time when it has passed.

Is it the weekend yet?

Ugh. Still down in the dumps. Eating was okay yesterday, although I did have a beer while watching some 80’s hair band show on VH1. And I didn’t get up to run this morning. I just laid there, feeling like my whole body was made of lead. Since I can’t really talk to my mom or friends, I have decided to talk to a professional. I just feel so angry & sad and I really need to let it out and not take it out on my husband.

For the interested, here is my workout routine for Mon & Wed. Today is legs & shoulders.

Monday (chest & triceps):
Bench: 100/8 100/8 110/5
Incline press: 25/12 30/8 35/8
Dumbbell flys: 12.5/12 15/10 20/8

Dips (between benches) 3 sets of 20
Total arm tricep 2.5/12 5/10 5/12
Tri pull downs 45/12 60/10

Wednesday (back & biceps):
Dumbbell rows: 30/12 35/10 40/8
Seated rows: 60/12 65/10 65/10
Total arm lat pulldown 50/12 60/12 70/10

Preacher curl: 20/10 20/8 20/8 (that’s plus the bar – I dunno how much it weighs)
Dumbbell curls: 20/12 25/6 25/6
Cable curls: 40/12 45/10 45/10

Thank you for the kind words

I have gotten not just a very nice comment, but also e-mail regarding my last message. First of all, thank you. Kind words from someone you only know via the computer are still kind words. And much appreciated.

The bad news is financial in nature. And while bad, needs to be kept in perspective (by me). My family is well, we have our house, we have our health, and we have the ability to fix this. Its just going to be a while and some of our plans (new deck, trip to Miami) will just have to get postponed for a couple or 3 years.

On the bright side, I like beans :-)

Major Stress

Well, I got some bad news that night and I can't say that I handled it very well. Hubby and I had just gone out for a nice dinner out our favorite mexican restaurant (and I had a beer with dinner as well) for my "treat Tuesday". After said news I wound up spending the evening crying and drinking another 3 beers.

Right now fitness doesn't seem very important and I would very much like to crawl into a hole and die. But I think I'll just see if I can't plod on to preserve my well being.

Kicking it up a Notch

That seems to be my theme for the next couple of months and I got a head start yesterday! Now that my son is out of school, my schedule is a little more flexible and I am using that time to get some chores done around the house, work on my yard a little (although nothing compared to kick butt yard ovehaul going on over at Diet Chick’s house!), and power up my workouts.

For June and July I plan to lift weights three days a week rather than my usual 2 I have been doing for over a year now. Yes, I’ve made some great gains in both strength and muscle mass, but I certainly can afford to add a little more. Yesterday was chest & triceps. I was driving to the gym, not really wanting to work out. Sonja wasn’t there, and a part of me was hoping she’d be late so I could bail (some days I am so pathetic). But she showed up and we had a totally awesome workout!

Chest: 3 set of bench presses: 100/8, 100/10, 110/6
Incline bench: 20/12, 25/10, 30/8
Dumbbell flys: 12.5/12 (too easy), 15/10, 20/8

Tricep: (cue the Rocky music)
We set up the benches, each took an end, and did 3 sets of 20 tricep dips. I know it sounds dorky, but I usually only do 15, but having her doing them on the other end of the bench really fired me up to push that extra bit. My triceps were singing “Ave Maria” when that was done. Too awesome!
Hammer strength total arm: 2.5/12, 5/10, 5/12
Cable push-downs: 45/12 (too easy!), 60/10

Abs: 2 sets each of the ball, bicycle, and side planks.

I went home feeling on top of the world!

Food yesterday was back to normal after the weekend of doom *lol*.

B: had scrambled egg beaters with bell pepper, mushrooms, and a little beef chorizo for breakfast. (W-M had my beloved soy chorizo but I already had the beef at home in the freezer. I hope they have it again this week!)
S: 2 lowfat string cheeses (I could eat these forever!)
L: leftover creamed spinach (homemade, don’t worry!), poached salmon, and half and ear of corn on the cob.
S: an orange and the whole payday (gotta keep up the strength for that workout!)
D: Cookout at neighbors. 2 pieces of grilled chicken (I removed the skin), ½ c baked beans, and a helping of their homemade potato salad (Grandma E’s recipe). I haven’t had potato salad in ages – oh my gosh! Yum! And a berry crisp for dessert (made with whole berries, oatmeal, and a little brown sugar). Thankfully there was no vanilla ice cream.

We had a very nice visit, but didn’t stay too late since I had to get up and run this morning.

The weather here has been a little cooler and less humid – and the running conditions this morning were optimal. Sunday I decided to try & make my 3 miles runs during the week a little more intense. So, I eliminated 1 walk break, shortened 2 others, and tried to run the running portions faster. Well, by the end my legs felt like “leads”! But in a good way. It felt good to really push it out. And with my son over at grandma’s, I wasn’t worried about getting home quickly to hustle. Hubby’s lunch was already prepared and he was in charge of his breakfast this morning (optimum cereal), so I only had to worry about myself and tidying up the place a bit. I still got to work on time, but felt a lot less rushed, and was so upbeat after such a great run.

I was reading Ron Harris’ daily pump this morning (he is a body builder and free lance writer on body building etc). A friend sent him a note which read “Danger: Cardio is a drug.” How true! He was concerned about doing too much cardio prior to a show and losing muscle - I don’t have that problem. But cardio makes me feel so good, it would be easy to do too much and overtrain, injuring myself. I know lately I’ve been feeling guilty about “only” lifting weights and doing yoga on Mondays and have toyed with the idea of adding additional cardio. But I think that might be too much, unless it was a morning walk. And I don’t want to get up early on any more days than I already do! I think adding an extra day of weight training was a smarter move. We’ll see if it pays off on the scale.